Last night, formerly deceased President Rudy Ruiz took the stage at the national GOP debate in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, claiming to be the first person billionaire-backed biotech company RevTech has ever successfully treated with what has been described as a “miraculous” advancement in medicine. According to Ruiz, RevTech, and a cadre of supporters, the company is capable of reversing “mortal events” — in plain speech, bringing people back from the dead.

But one Turner Falls resident takes exception to an important part of that characterization.

“I don’t want to take anything away from Rudy — I mean, the president, Mr. President,” said Mitch Carter, who was injured in the Independence Day storms that saw tornados touch down at the Treetops Trailer Community and in downtown Turner Falls, TX. “But he got a lot of firsts under his belly already. I was first on this thing.”