But for the children running around with rifles, today’s street fair in downtown Turner Falls looked much like the ones I remember from my childhood. Smelled like them, too — the scent of funnel cakes and turkey legs and tacos al pastor from Taqueria El Jefe hit me from blocks away, which is where I had to park owing to the veritable throngs of locals who turned out for the nationwide “Make Ready for Rudy” day of action.

The event was spearheaded by the New Life Church of Turner Falls, famously President Rudy Ruiz’s home congregation. In the lead-up, the day of action was heavily promoted by megachurch leader and YouTube star Pastor Kathy Donaldson, a die-hard (I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself) Ruiz supporter who I think we’ll find out soon has likely lost her already tenuous designation as official White House chaplain. President Ashleigh Grantham’s been reluctant to shake up too much in D.C. since he was sworn in this summer, preferring instead to telegraph his commitment to serving as a steward of Ruiz’s legacy by maintaining the status quo (minus, of course, Ruiz). But I can’t see Grantham welcoming Donaldson back on the premises following what was a pretty explicit call for Americans to take up arms to demand Ruiz retake the White House.

To say the call was well received would be an understatement. According to New Life’s numbers, the event in Turner Falls was one of more than 450 happening simultaneously across the country on Saturday. Blessedly, my hometown “Make Ready for Rudy” rally was injury-free, but at least six people were wounded by gunfire at events in Des Moines, Bakersfield, and Tallahassee, though it’s unclear as yet whether those were part of a growing trend of accidental and “friendly fire” casualties at pro-Ruiz gatherings.

Locally, it was clear from the folks I talked to that Ruiz’s people are both hungry for greasy, spiral-cut potatoes and growing restless for a resolution to the legal battle for the presidency that began nearly two and a half months ago. As one ostentatiously armed Turner Falls resident who declined to share his name put it to me: “The Supreme Court needs to shit on the pot.” I took that to be a misuse of the classic “shit or get off the pot” call for urgency.

To recap: In late September, a congressional investigation into the contents of Ruiz’s grave here in Turner Falls turned up an empty casket, prompting Ruiz to file suit aiming to take back the White House from his former VP, now-President Ashleigh Grantham, Jr. Soon after, Ruiz filed an unprecedented quo warranto action alleging that Grantham’s occupation of the Oval Office is essentially illegitimate and that Grantham had an obligation to relinquish the presidency as soon as it became clear that Ruiz was capable of resuming his duties. Grantham’s DOJ has defended his presidency, and the Grantham cabinet has been incredibly tight-lipped about the suit. (Grantham less so — his usual line is to refer to Ruiz a “billionaire-backed false prophet.”)

Court-watchers have speculated that the Supreme Court’s apparent reluctance to rule in the case is bad news for Team Ruiz. The Court could rule any day now, but that’s been the case for weeks, following a rollercoaster of federal court rulings, restraining orders, stays, and a couple of tense hearings in the Fifth Circuit. Especially with the addition of Justice Sarah Palin, the Court has lately served as an approval factory for Ruiz’s policy whims, having green-lit dozens of his executive orders on issues ranging from striking down vaccine mandates, to upholding bans on gender-affirming health care, to lowering the age threshold for gun ownership, and approving the Fertility Clearance program that bars pregnant people from traveling to states that refuse to enforce the Susan B. Anthony Right to Life Act.

Pastor Kathy Donaldson has certainly taken the temperature of the “RudBoyz” and LibertyNow! movements who are anxious to see Ruiz return to D.C., and now she’s looking to raise that temperature even higher. On her YouTube show in advance of Saturday’s rallies, she cast Ruiz’s story explicitly as one of “resurrection” in the face of the “Devil’s” work, saying that “heaven was not ready” for Ruiz, and returned him to the earthly plane for further works.

Here’s a snippet I plucked from Donaldson’s Friday broadcast, which included a “special guest,” a local Turner Falls gun shop owner. I’ve included a transcript for folks who aren’t able to listen.

PASTOR KATHY DONALDSON (via her YouTube feed): Beloveds, we are walking for Christ in a time of great turmoil. Wars rage on shores across oceans, and yet we ourselves are engaged in a battle for the very soul of our country, here, right here at home, right here in Turner Falls. The Good Book tells us of the Lord’s word, He says: I am the Resurrection, and the Life! The Devil is surely powerful but he is not the resurrection and he is not the life! 

Whatever else the Devil offers — gender-swappin’ and wee, precious babies sacrificed to hook-up culture — he cannot offer resurrection. He cannot offer life. And so I rebuke the naysayers who disavow the great miracle what I witnessed with my own, God-given eyes: Heaven was not ready for President Rudolfo Ruiz. And neither, maybe, is America. But God sent Rudy back down here to us, with a wonderful message: Rudy’s story is not yet finished here. He has returned to make us ready. And so we must make ready for him.

My guest today is a man making ready: Hiram Tyre, of Turner Tactical Arms, Texas’ leading distributor of protection apparatus for the God-fearing family. Hiram, how has God blessed you today?

The interview goes on to — conveniently I’m sure for Tyre’s business — encourage Ruiz supporters to ensure they’re “prepared for anything, any time” should the Supreme Court rule in Grantham’s favor. Should that happen, Ruiz could of course join the scrum of the ’24 presidential race and take back the White House by democratic means, but something tells me he — and perhaps many millions of Americans — aren’t willing to wait that long.

What Else I’m Reading Right Now:

• “Texas Supreme Court temporarily halts ruling allowing Dallas woman to get an abortion” (Texas Tribune)
• “The Texas Historical Commission Removed Books on Slavery From Plantation Gift Shops” (Texas Monthly)
• “Suspect killed 6, including his parents, in separate Texas attacks, authorities say” (USA Today)
• “US skips congressional review for emergency sale of tank shells to Israel” (Al Jazeera)

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